Another quotable conversation courtesy of my boyfriend:
Billy: How do you normally do your eyebrows?
Me: I pluck them….why?
Billy: They look closer together.
Me: You mean like a unibrow??
Billy: NO, no, not like a uni…well, um, kind of. Umm, I think it’s just the way your hair is falling in your face.
Me: Uh, thanks! Now, I’m going to be self conscious about my eyebrows AND my nose hairs.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Blog Soup
I have no new material so I decided to post a bunch of unfinshed drafts...
Jesus take the wheel - Blasphemy
drafted 05/26/09
Everytime I hear this song title, I picture all kinds of crazy senarios in my head b/c I am slightly retarded like that and a little bored most of the time. I am amused by me, I tell you. Here are some examples of my retardness...See that's probably not even a word.
I imagine that Jesus takes the wheel because I am too drunk to drive. I slur for him to please drive and he can't hear me the first few times because I am slurring so much. After he agrees to drive he gets irritated with me b/c I am so drunk and annoying and repeadetly asking him to run by Jack in the Box for some killer tacos (2for 99 cents). You really can't beat that, which I explain to Jesus and he finally gives in. Then by the time we get to Jack in the box - I have passed out and don't even want to eat anymore. Now, by this time, Jesus is really pissed at me and vows never to go to a party with me anymore, which sucks, because watching Jesus do keg stands in his little robe with his long hair is simply the
best.
Sookie Sluthouse
drafted sometime between 11/08 and 05/26/09
Okay, to be fair I need to write a post about the ridiculous'nous' of the Sookie Stackhouse series(I like how I get to make up words and spellings on MY blog). I trashed the Twilight series and to be fair the Sluthouse series has some pretty bad stuff in it too. The main difference, I guess, is that the Dead before Dark aka Sookie Stackhouse books, didn't get as many undeserved fanatics and raves as Twilight.
The Sluthouse Plusses and Minuses:
1. The story line is cool with regards to the supernatural world. In a way - and this may be a stretch of the imagination for some people- but in a way, it's almost kind of mobsterish in the sense of the structure of organizations and hierarchy. I'm sorry this is so cryptic but I don't want to give anything away.
2. The bad thing is that the author obviously has never had much male attention and she makes Sookie unrealistically sought after.
Stupid Rules
drafted 11/06/08
California has made same sex marriage illegal again. Why?? Why can't gays be married with the same rights as straight people? Maybe we should just kick the all the fags and dikes out of the US.
Jesus take the wheel - Blasphemy
drafted 05/26/09
Everytime I hear this song title, I picture all kinds of crazy senarios in my head b/c I am slightly retarded like that and a little bored most of the time. I am amused by me, I tell you. Here are some examples of my retardness...See that's probably not even a word.
I imagine that Jesus takes the wheel because I am too drunk to drive. I slur for him to please drive and he can't hear me the first few times because I am slurring so much. After he agrees to drive he gets irritated with me b/c I am so drunk and annoying and repeadetly asking him to run by Jack in the Box for some killer tacos (2for 99 cents). You really can't beat that, which I explain to Jesus and he finally gives in. Then by the time we get to Jack in the box - I have passed out and don't even want to eat anymore. Now, by this time, Jesus is really pissed at me and vows never to go to a party with me anymore, which sucks, because watching Jesus do keg stands in his little robe with his long hair is simply the
best.
Sookie Sluthouse
drafted sometime between 11/08 and 05/26/09
Okay, to be fair I need to write a post about the ridiculous'nous' of the Sookie Stackhouse series(I like how I get to make up words and spellings on MY blog). I trashed the Twilight series and to be fair the Sluthouse series has some pretty bad stuff in it too. The main difference, I guess, is that the Dead before Dark aka Sookie Stackhouse books, didn't get as many undeserved fanatics and raves as Twilight.
The Sluthouse Plusses and Minuses:
1. The story line is cool with regards to the supernatural world. In a way - and this may be a stretch of the imagination for some people- but in a way, it's almost kind of mobsterish in the sense of the structure of organizations and hierarchy. I'm sorry this is so cryptic but I don't want to give anything away.
2. The bad thing is that the author obviously has never had much male attention and she makes Sookie unrealistically sought after.
Stupid Rules
drafted 11/06/08
California has made same sex marriage illegal again. Why?? Why can't gays be married with the same rights as straight people? Maybe we should just kick the all the fags and dikes out of the US.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
How....
How do I still have any hair left in my head? With as much as I shed everyday, I should be bald. I thank my lucky stars that I am not. I also am grateful that I don't have a receding hairline. And I'm grateful that Billy doesn't have a receding hairline for that matter.
How does Billy put up with my shedding problem? How did Michael put up with it when we were roomies? It's FUCKING EVERYWHERE. All over my car, my office chair, seat, any sweater that I put on, in my vacuumn cleaner, all over my bathroom, and shower walls, Billy's clothes (I do his laundry 'cause I'm such a good girlfriend)...It's EVERYWHERE.
I should start collecting it and making barbie doll hair for resale to Mattel. There's enough of it.
How does Billy put up with my shedding problem? How did Michael put up with it when we were roomies? It's FUCKING EVERYWHERE. All over my car, my office chair, seat, any sweater that I put on, in my vacuumn cleaner, all over my bathroom, and shower walls, Billy's clothes (I do his laundry 'cause I'm such a good girlfriend)...It's EVERYWHERE.
I should start collecting it and making barbie doll hair for resale to Mattel. There's enough of it.
Friday, October 23, 2009
The time he was on the wrong date
I was pretty much single for six years. I dated quite a bit. But nobody really struck my fancy. And the ones that did strike my fancy did not quite reciprocate the feelings. I have a lot of funny stories that came out of those six years. I’ve forgotten about a lot of them. I’ll tell you the story about Nick for this post.
I met Nick at Bronx bar in Rice Village. Bronx bar was/is a Mecca for singles. Total meat market. Also met an attractive lesbian there once. If I was into women….whew. Anyway, I’m at the bar being pretty drunk, wearing the skirt that paid for itself and my CMF heels when I start chatting it up with Nick. He was kind of chatting it up with a few different people at the bar. We were all having fun. Digits were exchanged by the end of the night.
Over the next two weeks, Nick and I spoke over the phone. Our conversations were fun and flirty. You know the typical getting to know you chats. This is before the phenom of Facebook and Myspace. We just talked on the phone until our schedules were in sync enough for us to meet up. We finally settled on meeting up one Tuesday evening. I invited my ‘wing man’ friend Jess and we trekked out to Onion Creek (bar) in the Heights.
So, Jess and I get to Onion Creek which isn’t a very big place. It has a small bar and nice patio seating….At least that’s how I remembered it. I spot Nick at the bar and Jess and I start making our way over there.
“Hi”, I say.
Nick kinds of says hello but looks confused or occupied or something. Definitely not a real warm reception. We just kind of stand there and he says that he’ll be right back…
Uh, okay. “That’s weird; I guess he doesn’t like me”. Jess and I are just kind of standing there not really sure what to do with ourselves. We order drinks and join Nick and his ‘wing man’ friend at his table outside.
Once at the table we are drinking and chatting, etc, etc. Nick drops out of our conversation to use the phone real quick. Then lo and behold my phone starts ringing. I look at the phone – Incoming Call from Nick. I look at Nick while he has his ear to his cell phone and ask, “Why are you calling me?” Now it’s his turn to look confused. He starts to turn red and stammer. “Uh, I thought, you were someone else”
Turns out he got two numbers that night. One was mine and one was another girls. For two weeks he thought he was talking to the other girl. So the night he “ran” into me on our scheduled date, he thought it was a total amazing coincidence. He was calling ‘the other girl’ to cancel their date when Jess and I were hanging out at the table.
Let me tell you how baffled he was that he had been talking to me and not the other girl the whole time. It was HILARIOUS. He assured me that he was pleasantly surprised that it was ‘me’ that he was talking to. He said he was more attracted to me, etc, etc. Yet, he called the other girl.
I went on a couple of dates with him but it didn’t work out. I honestly think he was much cooler when he thought I was the other girl (you know on our phone conversations).
Another highlight to the story was his ‘wing man’ friend. He ended up being a huge cokehead but Jess didn’t know that. She mistook the talkative and open affects of the cocaine as a real true connection. All up until she unknowingly went on a drug run with him. She was pretty appalled when she came back. I guess she thought they were just going to run an errand. All in all it made for a funny story to relay to our friends.
I met Nick at Bronx bar in Rice Village. Bronx bar was/is a Mecca for singles. Total meat market. Also met an attractive lesbian there once. If I was into women….whew. Anyway, I’m at the bar being pretty drunk, wearing the skirt that paid for itself and my CMF heels when I start chatting it up with Nick. He was kind of chatting it up with a few different people at the bar. We were all having fun. Digits were exchanged by the end of the night.
Over the next two weeks, Nick and I spoke over the phone. Our conversations were fun and flirty. You know the typical getting to know you chats. This is before the phenom of Facebook and Myspace. We just talked on the phone until our schedules were in sync enough for us to meet up. We finally settled on meeting up one Tuesday evening. I invited my ‘wing man’ friend Jess and we trekked out to Onion Creek (bar) in the Heights.
So, Jess and I get to Onion Creek which isn’t a very big place. It has a small bar and nice patio seating….At least that’s how I remembered it. I spot Nick at the bar and Jess and I start making our way over there.
“Hi”, I say.
Nick kinds of says hello but looks confused or occupied or something. Definitely not a real warm reception. We just kind of stand there and he says that he’ll be right back…
Uh, okay. “That’s weird; I guess he doesn’t like me”. Jess and I are just kind of standing there not really sure what to do with ourselves. We order drinks and join Nick and his ‘wing man’ friend at his table outside.
Once at the table we are drinking and chatting, etc, etc. Nick drops out of our conversation to use the phone real quick. Then lo and behold my phone starts ringing. I look at the phone – Incoming Call from Nick. I look at Nick while he has his ear to his cell phone and ask, “Why are you calling me?” Now it’s his turn to look confused. He starts to turn red and stammer. “Uh, I thought, you were someone else”
Turns out he got two numbers that night. One was mine and one was another girls. For two weeks he thought he was talking to the other girl. So the night he “ran” into me on our scheduled date, he thought it was a total amazing coincidence. He was calling ‘the other girl’ to cancel their date when Jess and I were hanging out at the table.
Let me tell you how baffled he was that he had been talking to me and not the other girl the whole time. It was HILARIOUS. He assured me that he was pleasantly surprised that it was ‘me’ that he was talking to. He said he was more attracted to me, etc, etc. Yet, he called the other girl.
I went on a couple of dates with him but it didn’t work out. I honestly think he was much cooler when he thought I was the other girl (you know on our phone conversations).
Another highlight to the story was his ‘wing man’ friend. He ended up being a huge cokehead but Jess didn’t know that. She mistook the talkative and open affects of the cocaine as a real true connection. All up until she unknowingly went on a drug run with him. She was pretty appalled when she came back. I guess she thought they were just going to run an errand. All in all it made for a funny story to relay to our friends.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Quotables
My boyfriend says the sweetest things to me. Just a few of the cute little things he told me this weekend:
B: “Babe, you know what I want for my birthday”
Me: “Your birthday is not until February”
B: “ I want some nose hair trimmers. Not the cheap $20 kind”
Me: “You’re just saying that because you want them for me”
B: “ No, we both need them”
Me: “ No, you already admitted that the last time you asked for nose hair trimmers, you were saying that as a hint to me”
We went out Saturday night and had a bunch of beer and shots. I was very tired and hung over on Sunday morning. I was sleeping the effects of the night before off when I woke up to a Kleenex in my face.
B: “Wake up. You’re snoring. Here. Here’s a tissue. You need to blow your nose.
So, after having a Kleenex shoved in my face, I was awake but still tired.
Me: “I’m so tired”
B: “Go back to sleep”
Me: “ I can’t. You woke me up”
B: “Well, you were snoring and it was really annoying”
Thanks, my love.
** The slight, little, faint snoring from having a stuffed up nose is probably the first time I’ve ever snored in the 2 ½ years we’ve been together. You think he’d give me a pass this once…
B: “Babe, you know what I want for my birthday”
Me: “Your birthday is not until February”
B: “ I want some nose hair trimmers. Not the cheap $20 kind”
Me: “You’re just saying that because you want them for me”
B: “ No, we both need them”
Me: “ No, you already admitted that the last time you asked for nose hair trimmers, you were saying that as a hint to me”
We went out Saturday night and had a bunch of beer and shots. I was very tired and hung over on Sunday morning. I was sleeping the effects of the night before off when I woke up to a Kleenex in my face.
B: “Wake up. You’re snoring. Here. Here’s a tissue. You need to blow your nose.
So, after having a Kleenex shoved in my face, I was awake but still tired.
Me: “I’m so tired”
B: “Go back to sleep”
Me: “ I can’t. You woke me up”
B: “Well, you were snoring and it was really annoying”
Thanks, my love.
** The slight, little, faint snoring from having a stuffed up nose is probably the first time I’ve ever snored in the 2 ½ years we’ve been together. You think he’d give me a pass this once…
Friday, May 29, 2009
Theories on the missing neighbor
So, my annoying neighbor has been MIA for 2 weeks now, or at least it’s been two weeks since I noticed. Yes, this is the same neighbor who knocked on my door at 8:30 PM on a Sunday night asking me about some notice from the leasing office that was left on his door. And then proceeded to brag that he just got back from some NASCAR races – as if I care. So, maybe I like the attention a little bit…Just a little.
I’m not complaining about the neighbor being gone. I like the solidarity. However, I am nosy and curious and I wonder where he is. Most people who are leaving for 2 weeks knowingly do not leave trash out on their balcony for that long!
I’ve been coming up with theories on where NASCAR (that’s his new nickname) might be.
Theory #1:
He is in prison. He seems like the type to get himself a DUI. Maybe he was already on probation and he got in trouble with the law again. When he comes back his new name will be Bubba. Hmm…It just doesn’t make sense though. When people are going to prison they usually know about it and have time to get their ducks in a row or take their fucking trash out. There was a break in downstairs. Maybe it was him and he was arrested…
Theory #2:
He was murdered. I know it sounds horribly morbid. I’m just exploring all possibilities on why someone would be gone for so long without a trace. Maybe he messed with the wrong person and they whacked him. He doesn’t seem like the type that would be mixed up with gangs or mafioso. Is there a secret Cowboy/NASCAR/Redneck gang that I’m unaware of? Their gang colors are ‘Mountain Dew’. The murder theory is really the least likely scenario but I had to throw it out there anyway.
Theory #3:
He’s on a reality show. The Bachelorette has already been taped so it can’t be that one. They may be taping another Bachelor right now. However, he’s not cool enough to be the Bachelor and carry a show on his own. So that can’t be the one. He’s too old for the Real World. That can’t be it. Ummm….I know! Tool Academy. He’s a contestant on Tool Academy. Maybe they will teach him how to take the trash 30 feet away to the dumpster!
Theory #4:
He is simply on vacation and is just very inconsiderate and/or didn’t have time to take his trash to the dumpster. This is probably the most plausible as well as most boring scenario.
Theory #5:
He actually hasn’t been missing in action. Our schedules are simply the opposite of each others’ and at this very moment he is writing a blog about how his upstairs neighbor (me) has been missing and he thinks maybe she is a contestant on Brett Michael's, Rock of Love. Hey!
There also happens to be a ferret from the complex missing. I know this because there was a sign on the exit gate saying so. This ferret needs his medicine, per the missing notice. Anyhoo, maybe NASCAR and ferret are somewhere together. You can insert ferret into any one of the scenarios above.
I know everyone will be on the edge of their seating waiting for the update to see what happened to the neighbor. I’m really going to feel like an asshole if he is dead.
I’m not complaining about the neighbor being gone. I like the solidarity. However, I am nosy and curious and I wonder where he is. Most people who are leaving for 2 weeks knowingly do not leave trash out on their balcony for that long!
I’ve been coming up with theories on where NASCAR (that’s his new nickname) might be.
Theory #1:
He is in prison. He seems like the type to get himself a DUI. Maybe he was already on probation and he got in trouble with the law again. When he comes back his new name will be Bubba. Hmm…It just doesn’t make sense though. When people are going to prison they usually know about it and have time to get their ducks in a row or take their fucking trash out. There was a break in downstairs. Maybe it was him and he was arrested…
Theory #2:
He was murdered. I know it sounds horribly morbid. I’m just exploring all possibilities on why someone would be gone for so long without a trace. Maybe he messed with the wrong person and they whacked him. He doesn’t seem like the type that would be mixed up with gangs or mafioso. Is there a secret Cowboy/NASCAR/Redneck gang that I’m unaware of? Their gang colors are ‘Mountain Dew’. The murder theory is really the least likely scenario but I had to throw it out there anyway.
Theory #3:
He’s on a reality show. The Bachelorette has already been taped so it can’t be that one. They may be taping another Bachelor right now. However, he’s not cool enough to be the Bachelor and carry a show on his own. So that can’t be the one. He’s too old for the Real World. That can’t be it. Ummm….I know! Tool Academy. He’s a contestant on Tool Academy. Maybe they will teach him how to take the trash 30 feet away to the dumpster!
Theory #4:
He is simply on vacation and is just very inconsiderate and/or didn’t have time to take his trash to the dumpster. This is probably the most plausible as well as most boring scenario.
Theory #5:
He actually hasn’t been missing in action. Our schedules are simply the opposite of each others’ and at this very moment he is writing a blog about how his upstairs neighbor (me) has been missing and he thinks maybe she is a contestant on Brett Michael's, Rock of Love. Hey!
There also happens to be a ferret from the complex missing. I know this because there was a sign on the exit gate saying so. This ferret needs his medicine, per the missing notice. Anyhoo, maybe NASCAR and ferret are somewhere together. You can insert ferret into any one of the scenarios above.
I know everyone will be on the edge of their seating waiting for the update to see what happened to the neighbor. I’m really going to feel like an asshole if he is dead.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Dear Mama, you are appreciated...
This is a sort of pre Mother's Day ode to my Moms. I just wanted to share some of my memories and funny little stories. Let me introduce you to Pam.
I recall being in the 4th grade ( I guess I was about 10 or so) and driving in the car back from the grocery store. Some lady cut us off or did something to piss my Mom off and she goes, “oh you M-O-T-H-E-R Fuuu” , suddenly realizing I’m in the car, she looks over at me and in the sweetest, most innocent voice, says – “I swear that lady looks just like my mother”. Grandma, was blond when she was 30 years younger? Hmm… I don’t recall having seen pictures of Grandma looking like that…
We weren’t a very active family but we’d go through spurts where we did outdoor stuff like bike riding or walks around the lake or playing volleyball. My mom is SUPER competitive and she’s a trash talker. One summer we got the volleyball net out a lot and played teams of 2 on 2. Well, one round, my brother Curt and I beat my Mom and whoever was on her team and she got so pissed that she declared…Winner has to put up the volleyball net, and she was dead serious.
My mom is serious about her opinions. Well, just recently, the election was going on and she initially was in Hillary’s corner. Once it was determined that Obama was going to be the Democratic Nominee, she said, he better choose Hillary as his running mate. If he doesn't, I am writing him a letter and telling him that he DOES NOT have my vote. Mom, we live in Texas, I don't think it matters. I don't think your letter is going to scare him into choosing Hillary as his running mate. She likes to threaten to write letters when she's upset. Mom, save some postage and send them an email.
My Mom is 55 or 56, I never can keep up and she is young spirited, can party me under the table, very business savvy, and very evolved. Oh and she throws the BEST parties. I hope I am that way when I am her age. She also has an awesome sense of humor...except when it comes to getting her ass handed to her at volleyball. Sorry Mom, but I'm not athletic in the least and you let me and 'pothead Curtis' whoop you.
I love my moms.
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